True Prep Read online

  This Is a Borzoi Book

  Published by Alfred A. Knopf

  Copyright © 2010 by Island of Mommy, Inc. and Charles Kidd

  Photographs by Geoff Spear and illustrations by Randy Glass copyright © 2010 by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

  www.aaknopf.com

  Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  A portion of this work originally appeared in Vanity Fair.

  Grateful acknowledgment is made to The New York Times for permission to reprint “Gertrude Sanford Legendre, 97, Socialite Turned Hunter and Prisoner of War” (The New York Times, March 13, 2000), copyright © 2000 by The New York Times. Reprinted by permission of PARS International Corp. on behalf of The New York Times and protected by the copyright laws of the United States. The printing, copying, redistribution, or retransmission of the material without express written permission is prohibited.

  “Notes from an Aging Prepster” by Christopher Buckley, copyright © 2010 by Christopher Buckley. “Hampden-Sydney College” by Josiah Bunting, III, copyright © 2010 by Josiah Bunting, III. “Bankers: What Do They Do All Day?” by William D. Cohan, copyright © 2010 by William D. Cohan. “On Love” by James Collins, copyright © 2010 by James Collins. “Why Sailing” by Charles Dana, copyright © 2010 by Charles Dana. “Rehab: The New Boarding School” by Peter Davis, copyright © 2010 by Peter Davis. “To the Producers of Gossip Girl: If You’re Serious, We’re Here to Help” by Boco Haft, copyright © 2010 by Rebecca “Boco” Haft. “Louis Auchincloss” by Joseph Kanon, copyright © 2010 by Joseph Kanon. “Breton Stripes” by Caroline Rennolds Milbank, copyright © 2010 by Caroline Rennolds Milbank. “Fishing and Shooting Clubs” by Jesse Saunders, copyright © 2010 by Jesse D. Saunders. “First Sips” by James Underberg, copyright © 2010 by James Thunderberg. “Horses and Classical Music” by Edmund White, copyright © 2010 by Edmund White.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Birnbach, Lisa.

  True prep : it’s a whole new old world / by Lisa Birnbach and Chip Kidd.—1st ed.

  p. cm.

  “This is a Borzoi book.”

  eISBN: 978-0-307-59421-1

  1. Preppies—Humor. I. Kidd, Chip. II. Title.

  PN6231.P69B57 2010

  818’.5402—dc22 2010004079

  v3.0

  Okay, now where were we? Oh yes, It was thirty years ago . . .

  1.

  The True Prep Manifesto.

  2.

  If you know what we’re talking about.

  3.

  Schools: pre-nursery to grade 20.

  4.

  The preppy’s wardrobe exhumed and explained.

  5.

  What we do during that endless stretch between breakfast and dinner.

  6.

  The dogs live there, and so do we.

  7.

  This sort of thing happens to us, too.

  8.

  And drinks and dinner: The True Prep Cookbook.

  9.

  We are an entertaining breed.

  10.

  Should we use our box seats or should we watch it on TV?

  11.

  People skills for the 21st century.

  12.

  Tough decisions your dog will face.

  Wake up, Muffy, we’re back.

  Oh, yes. It was 1980, and Ronald Reagan was heading to his improbable victory over Jimmy Carter. We wondered whether joining a club before your thirtieth birthday made you into a young fuddy-duddy, we considered the importance of owning a dress watch, and one thing led to another, and before the year was over, our project became The Official Preppy Handbook. Yes. That was us. We enjoyed every minute that we still remember, but we seem to have misplaced a number of brain cells in the process.

  Though we once maintained that this world has changed little since 1635, when the Boston Latin School was founded, you know we were exaggerating slightly (see). As our world spins faster and faster and we use up more natural resources, and scientists keep discovering more sugar substitutes, we have to think about how life in the twenty-first century affects our safe and lovely bubble.

  Muffy van Winkle, you’ve napped long enough. It’s been thirty years! It doesn’t seem possible, does it? Despite changes and crises and the maid quitting, the middle class disappearing, your running out of vodka, your NetJet account being yanked, and the Internet, it’s still nice to be prep.

  And as we have gotten a bit older and a teensy bit wiser, the world has become much smaller. We are all interconnected, intermarried, inter-everything-ed. The great- looking couple in the matching tweed blazers and wide-wale orange corduroy trousers are speaking … Italian. On Melrose Avenue! Whereas once upon a time it seemed unlikely Europeans would be attracted to our aesthetic, now they’ve adapted it and made it their own. (They’re the women with no hips, in case you were wondering.)

  Let’s begin at the beginning of the year. Here are our resolutions. You’ll catch on.

  It’s about ease and confidence. It’s about fitting in when you do and even when you don’t. It’s about your endless supply of clothes that always looks the same, no matter what the era or fashion dictates. It’s about your ability to tell a story, be the fourth—for tennis or for bridge—or somehow come to the rescue of a social situation. Because you can. Because your parents taught you by example. Maybe you attended an historic prep school. Maybe you didn’t. Of course, it’s better if you did because then you’ve been acculturated. You may protest, but you know some literature, know some history, know some sportsmanship, and know that a tie will do when you can’t find your belt.

  And if by some chance you are entering this world on your own, of your free will, with no one to lead you by the hand, let us guide you. We know the code. We’re here to help.

  Formerly WASP. Failing that, white and heterosexual. One day we became curious or bored and wanted to branch out, and before you knew it, we were all mixed up.

  Well, that’s the way we like it, even if Grandmother did disapprove and didn’t go to the wedding. (Did she ever stop talking about the “barefoot and pregnant” bride? Ever?) And now one of our nieces, MacKenzie, is a researcher at the CDC in Atlanta and is engaged to marry the loveliest man . . . Rajeem, a pediatrician who went to Duke. And Kelly is at Smith, and you know what that means. And our son Cal is married to Rachel, and her father, the cantor, married them in a lovely ceremony. Katie, our daughter, is a decorative artist living in Philadelphia with Otis, who is a professor of African American Studies at Swarthmore. And then there’s Bailey, our handsome little nephew. Somehow, all he wants to do is ski, meet girls, and drink beer.

  Well, that’s one out of five.

  The prep family, despite its flaws and its mildewed basement, is the institution on which all of our world is based. How we participate in family life is what we learn to think of as “normal.” End of science lesson.

  Mummy. She is the stealthy head of household, unless she “is away,” “has one of her headaches,” or is “the chancellor of Germany.” Mummy is the centerpiece around which we set our familial tables. If Mummy and Daddy disagree on where Uncle Pinny sits at Thanksgiving, Mummy wins. If Mummy and Daddy disagree on how much to give to the Garden Club, Mummy wins. If Mummy and Daddy disagree on whether or not we are going to Lyford this year, Daddy wins, unless the house is in Mummy’s family.

  Mummy loves you. Sometimes it is hard to see evidence of that, but deep down, she does. Would she have given you her slightly bent Georg Jensen circle pin if she didn’t love you? No. Would she have sent you to
her sister’s farm for the summer if she didn’t? Never mind. She gave birth to you and usually remembers that.

  Daddy. Sometimes a buddy, sometimes a distant specter, Daddy is your father. Once upon a time he was also married to Mummy—you have seen their wedding pictures tucked away in the back of the linen closet, next to the dried-out jar of Gordon’s silver polish. Whether or not Daddy still lives with you, he is responsible for teaching you some of life’s most important lessons. “It’s not a Bloody Mary without horseradish.” “If you like the girl, always walk on the street side.” “We hang to the right.”

  When it comes down to it, Daddy can do so many things well. He can fox-trot, glue the handle back on the pitcher, center a picture on the wall, turn a million dollars into half a million dollars (just joking), and light a perfect fire on a winter’s afternoon. He can climb onto the roof to retrieve a golf ball from the gutters. He can play golf and tennis, sail, ski, and shoot skeet. He can order a steak, rare, in Italian, German, and French (but he can speak only English). He can button those tiny buttons on the back of Mummy’s (or Alicia’s, his new special friend) evening dress, though it could take him a long time to find his glasses in order to see those buttons.

  When Daddy’s been bad, there are always more flowers in the house, and sometimes a delivery from a fancy store for Mummy. But as long as Daddy is living in the same house with you, he is usually fun to have around, unless he won’t pick you up from your friend’s house at two a.m.

  Grandmother. The true power behind the power. Each family has one grandmother to which it defers and one grandmother it traditionally ignores. This depends on how many marbles and cents she has. In order to have a peaceful existence, it is useful to bend to the powerful grandmother. If she wishes you to go to boarding school, please, by all means go (she intends to pay for it). If she gives you an old fur coat, do wear it (at least when she is around). If she approves of your boyfriend, you can marry him (even if she doesn’t know about his tattoo or the night he spent in the pokey in New Hampshire: TMI). Grandmother might even be surprisingly open to your same sex union. Grandmothers are amazing that way. (Grandmother may have had, once upon a time, a deeply felt long-lost love she dared not introduce to her mummy or daddy: her chemistry partner, Mary.) Have a little faith in Grandma. She will take care of you, especially if she doesn’t care too much for your parents.

  Grandfather. Long gone but not forgotten. Grandfather was “a character.” He worked hard, played hard. He once: dated Ava Gardner/was the fraternity president/was in the OSS/was in Cuba with Hemingway/was hit on by Cole Porter/was hit on by Ethel Merman/had a townie girlfriend/shot an elk/recited all of “Hiawatha” while standing on the bar of the Edgartown Yacht Club after closing hours/invented the little thingy on the top of that gadget and made a fortune/spent a summer breaking horses in Montana/wrestled Ted Turner in Buenos Aires/had to jump out of the Barbizon Hotel from a fourth-floor window when the police showed up/ran unopposed for mayor of Norfolk, Connecticut/put a Princeton T-shirt on the statue of Sir Walter Scott in Central Park after his senior thesis passed.

  If Daddy has been a naughty boy and gotten caught, he has most likely been exiled out of the lukewarm family bosom. But he has received comfort from many other bosoms, some impressive and some embarrassing. The best of his girlfriends—the ones who take you to the theater, buy you drinks, give you their old Chanel bags, and help you get a summer internship at MoMA—are generally too good for him, and thus he sabotaged those relationships with his usual charming duplicity.

  Eventually, though, because Daddy doesn’t like to be alone or cook, he decides to commit to a new woman. She comes in several styles.

  1. Just Like Mummy Only Twenty-three Years Younger. (You can insist, as many daughters do, that Daddy not date any of your friends or anyone younger than you.) How is Margaret an improvement? She bears no grudges towards Daddy. Her family seems familiar. While you cannot imagine falling in love with someone so old, she seems to adore him. But wait! She will get pregnant.

  2. The Young Business Tycoon. Her cool prowess (and the fact that she attended Daddy’s alma mater) turns him on. She loves him because her contemporaries are young, boring, predictable, jealous. Adding to her allure is the fact that this woman is from a different ethnic background. She’s Indian, Filipino, Spanish, Jewish, or Catholic. She’s a hard worker (some call her a barracuda behind her back) and talks about her “merger” with Daddy.

  3. The Sporty Girlfriend. He met her playing tennis, golf, or whitewater rafting on the Colorado River. She was surrounded by admirers at that yurt dinner in Sun Valley. In the worst-case scenario, she is his trainer or yoga instructor. Daddy thinks she’s “hot,” (eeeuw). Daddy thinks he’s never looked better. Daddy loves his new active life. Daddy knows that Sporty knows how to administer CPR, can give backrubs, and is willing to practice tantric sex. Sporty likes your house in the country, the dogs, is a 12 handicap, and her best friend just married an old guy, too.

  4. The Strumpet. This girlfriend is the most unfortunate choice. Her very obviousness—her too-dyed hair, her obvious surgeries and enhancements, her disgusting PDA with Daddy and calling him by that ridiculous nickname in public—causes everyone to talk behind her back. However, she will bore Daddy quickly, and most of Daddy’s loyal friends’ wives will refuse to socialize as couples with her. In short, this girlfriend is history.

  We confess to spending hours in the thrall of our wondrous English setter, Henry. What does he think about? Is he happy? Does he dream about us? We are prepared for unrequited love; we were sent to boarding schools, after all. But we would never send Henry away. He is too dear, too affectionate, for us to be without him for more than the two-week annual biking trip to France. Otherwise, where we go, he goes. Constance and Prudence, the twins, came up with this, the phrenological diagram of Henry for their biology class. (Their assignment was the respiratory system, so we’re not holding out hopes for an A.) And yes, though we raised gentle vegetarian daughters, our son (Henry) is a confirmed carnivore.

  SOME FOUR-LEGGED PREPS & THE TWO-LEGGED PREPS WHO LOVE THEM.

  Widgeon, Black lab

  PRINCE WILLIAM OF ENGLAND

  (Eton College)

  Petals & Baci, Italian greyhounds

  SIGOURNEY WEAVER

  (Chapin School; Ethel Walker School)

  Atticus Finch, German shepherd

  Boo Radley, Puggle

  JAKE GYLLENHAAL (Harvard-Westlake)

  Garcia, Australian cattle dog

  OWEN WILSON

  (St. Mark’s School of Dallas, expelled)

  Holden, Labrador retriever

  GWYNETH PALTROW (Spence School)

  Splash, Sunny, & Cappy, Portuguese water dogs

  SEN. EDWARD M. KENNEDY

  (Milton Academy)

  Fala, Scottie

  PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

  (Groton School)

  Harvey, George, Baby; Boxers

  HUMPHREY BOGART

  (Andover, expelled)

  Blue, Border collie-Jersey collie

  DAVID DUCHOVNY & TÉA LEONIE

  (Collegiate School & Brearley School)

  Mildred “Millie” Kerr Bush, Springer spaniel

  (1/12/85 –5/19/97) Has own Wikipedia page.

  PRESIDENT & MRS. GEORGE H.W. BUSH BB (Rye Country Day & Ashley Hall) GHWB (Andover)

  Polar Bear, a cat

  CLEVELAND AMORY

  (Milton Academy)

  Shamsky & Monkey, Pitbulls

  JON STEWART

  (Laurence High School, Laurenceville, New Jersey)

  Edgar & Bathsheba, Golden retrievers

  JOHN CHEEVER

  (Thayer Academy, expelled, readmitted)

  We all know family is an accident of birth and luck. For that, we are mostly grateful, even if we don’t show it. (You know who you are, Bos.) What’s also great about having a family is that you get them without doing any hard work whatsoever.

  Such is sadly not the case
when choosing domestic employees who will fill in for you when you are busy or otherwise inclined. Don’t think of this as a test, think of this as a process.

  You might hire someone to help you clean the apartment and do the laundry while you are still sharing your apartment with a roommate from Boulder. You could clean the bathroom and vacuum yourself, but you would rather come home to a clean place, especially after a long day at the office and then an exhausting happy hour. So you—with some sheepishness—hire your first domestic employee, Teresa. You love that she is reliable, and you convince yourself that you could never wield a Swiffer the way Teresa does. You’re also helping the economy . . . of Ecuador. Get over your embarrassment, because within ten years you may be adding to your staff.

  In some families, this is an amusingly obvious question. The answer to this and other brain teasers is, “because.” “Because we do.” “Because the Hayeses always have a baby nurse.” Ultimately, the best reason is, “Because Daddy and I will pay for her.”

  In other families, the very idea sends prospective parents shuddering all the way to the loan officer. Baby nurses are staggeringly expensive. If, however, you are dealing with baby number one, it might be wise to go without handprinted Christmas cards this year (use Shutterfly) and splurge on this fine addition to your family—at least for a week. If you have an energetic mother, an unemployed unmarried sister, or other children or helpers, a baby nurse might be excessive.

  Ask friends who are further along the parent road (NB: We are parents, but we don’t believe in “parenting”) for their recommendations of nurses, employment agencies, or friends who had good or bad experiences. Obviously, the best thing to do is hire a friend’s nurse, as long as you won’t be overlapping, but since that rarely works out, you will be asked to supply the attributes you prize most.